I think I'm broken

My husband and I have been trying for 6 months to get pregnant again. I've been hoping that it would happen again, however after 6 months, it still hasn't happened.

It's so frustrating each month to feel my boobs hurt, feel a little nauseous and then AF shows up. I wish she would take her ugly head and go somewhere else.

I know we've gone a longer period of time without using bc and not getting pregnant but man this is getting frustrating. Very, very frustrating. I have a friend who has been trying for a year now and still hasn't had that "magic moment" either.

Every time I see a baby or I hear a baby I feel a little sad. Some days I think I'd be alright by never seeing a positive test again, but then AF shows up and I'm not ok. I try to take solace in the two boys that I have been blessed with already, but sometimes, I yearn for another little one to hold and love. One that I can nurse and snuggle with and show all sorts of love to. I yearn to have someone that needs me so much and loves me unconditionally.

It's moment like tonight when I see AF show up that I am not ok and I think that in itself is ok as long as I don't let it consume me.

I will continue to pray that God will see fit to bless me with another little one to raise in His ways, until that day I pray that I will cherish the two children he already blessed me with.

Time just doesn't stand still

As much as I would love to see time stand still sometimes, it doesn't. No matter what we do, it just continues going on.

When I've not been working on my Avon stuff, I've been trying to get the house into some kind of organization, shuttling the kids to preschool, texturing the kitchen walls and trying to decide on a paint color for the kitchen. I've also been suffering with what I think was the beginning of a cold. I've had a sore throat, upset stomach, stuffing nose and tiredness. Thankfully I have not experienced a fever.

We've had over 3 1/2 inches of rain between Friday and Sunday. It really messed with my computer and when I should have been online, I couldn't be. It really slowed me down. I've been trying to catch up, but it's been so hard to do.

I discovered that a friend's grandfather died two days ago and I just found out about it today. Makes me feel like not such a great friend. I hate feeling like that. I've been trying to write my bff from high school a letter for months now. I just haven't had time to sit down and do it. I'm working on trying to finish a book that I need to finish by Monday. I don't have many pages left to read, but it seems the only time I have to read is while I'm using the "office". I'm behind by too many days on the newspaper to even count.

Ah, if only time would stop for a little bit so I can catch up on everything.

Being Weirded out

When I first met my husband about 12 years ago, he was married. No, it wasn't love at first sight or anything. I was dating his cousin and he, I thought was happily married. Apparently he wasn't so happily married after all, because him and his wife split up and eventually his cousin and I did too. In a little over 10 years of being together, I have not once had to face his ex-wife. Luckily for us, she was in NJ while we were in OH and until we moved to NJ, 9 years ago, she was forgotten.

Well last year we moved back to our hometown area and from what we had heard she was in the area too. I told him it was only a matter of time until we ran into her. He's seen her dad several times at work, but luckily in the year we have not seen her, until last week.

Last week he calls me and says, it took a year, but guess who I ran into? Yep, that's right his ex. Not only did he see her, he had to wait on her too. Now I know that there are no feelings there anymore, and I know that I have nothing to worry about, however it just weirded me out.

I know the hurt that she caused him and the pain he went through when their marriage ended. She also ruined his credit, by not removing him from a credit card she had. I also realized that if it weren't for her, we might not be together. In a way, I am grateful to her, but in another way, I wish she wasn't around and wasn't part of his past.

And if that's not weird enough, our son, L, is in preschool with his ex-brother in laws daughter. D thought it could be him when he looked at the preschool list, however he wasn't sure, but stupid me asked when I picked L up from school yesterday and sure enough it is him. This doesn't bother me as much, just seems weird to me.

Sometimes busy is good

Life has been pretty busy and hectic around here but I'm not minding it all that much. There was a time when I would have cringed at being so busy but now I'm so glad.

The boys are both in preschool this year. B is doing M, W, F and L is doing T and Th. Both are in AM, so we are typically in the car by 8:30 to drive the 15-20 mins to their school. They are both enjoying, although L did miss his first official day due to being sick. He had gotten sick the day before, just as we had pulled into the grocery store parking lot and then when he got up the that morning he was running a slight fever.

B is doing really good now with speech. His teachers are very impressed with his progress, and I have even more sure of holding him another year in preschool instead of sending him to kindergarten. I think til he starts next year his speech will have improved enough that he won't need the extra help. Which I think is a blessing since I'd hate to see him dealing with being teased and made fun of. From experience that's not fun.

L is improving with B in his speech, although B's teachers do seem a little concerned. I'm not sure that I will have him tested though because I think a huge part of it is because he's learned so much from B, but we'll see in a few months, what they say.

We still don't have any good news on the baby front, which does upset me some, however I know that it is all in God's time. My niece is getting so big and I've heard that she is rolling over, though I haven't seen her do so yet. Hopefully we'll get to see her do it soon.

Well I must get going, I've rested long enough.

3 Years? Really???

Has it really been 3 years since I gave birth to an 8 and 1/2 lb little boy?

When older people used to say, enjoy your youth while you can, time goes fast as you get older, I used to laugh and think, nah, not for me. Boy was I wrong. It amazes me how fast time goes. Seems only yesterday that I had Benjamin and now I have Levi who turns 3 today.

Levi has spent the last year and half or so sleeping in the same bed as his brother. He used to get up several times throughout the night and once we said he could sleep with his brother he was excited. He started sleeping through the night without a problem. So we left them like that, until yesterday. The past month or two have showed us that it was time to put Levi in his own bed, so we finally took some time to go get him his own mattress and box springs. We already had his bed frame. Yesterday his mattress set came in. We had spent the morning re-arranging their furniture to accommodate two beds and set everything up and then we went to pick up the set.

We spent a very long 15-30 minutes last night walking him back upstairs but he finally stayed in bed. Of course I did have to tell him if he didn't stay his bed, he wouldn't be getting any more birthday presents in the morning. That did seem to work, though.

He's only gotten one of his presents so far, a Diego "watch". It's not really a watch but he likes it so that's all that matters. He'll get the rest of his gifts when daddy comes home from work later today.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Levi